A Pool Hustler's Daughter grows up in subterranean America. She dreams big, hustles daily and loves her Daddy. With empathy, fascination and grace she navigates and inhabits every tier of society; sees beauty and hope and magic in all things; respects and lives by the "mitzvah."
A Pool Hustler's Daughter calculates the trifecta payout at the racetrack, hides money on three parts of her body, has an arsenal of "Uncles," and keeps a baseball bat by the front door. She values friendship, loyalty and experiences over "things." Like her father, she seeks to learn "The secrets of the universe" and believes "Life ain't on the square." She applauds the self-made and those who learn to "overcome" their circumstances. Her door is always open for a sofa to sleep on, a hot meal, or an eager listener for a life story.

Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Ryan Gosling + Comedy Sitcom Babe Showdown RANTS

Ryan Gosling

* Wish I could love Ryan Gosling. Great actor but no butterflies.

* I do like Ryan Gosling's psuedo James Caan but whinier Brooklyn accent even though he grew up on the hard streets of Canada/Mickey Mouse Club.

* I hope Ryan Gosling grew up in lush, green Vancouver and was breast fed by a sweet, young, Pre-Scott Baio, Pamela Anderson instead of growing up in Jim Carrey's dark and grey Canadian town where everyone was unemployed, covered in ash, drank too much and was miserable and depressed. I think Zoolander has distant relatives there. FYI it was Scott Baio, NOT Tommy Lee that introduced Pamela Anderson to all of the kink. #Dagos

* Little known fact: Ryan Gosling was actually lovers with tattooed biker Jesse James before
Sandra Bullock started dating him. When Jesse tried to convince Ryan to wear a Hitler Youth uniform one night, Ryan retorted "I don't fuck Nazis, asshole!" When Sandra Bullock brought home a Boy Scouts uniform for Ryan to wear one night, he was totally cool with it. Ryan shrugged his shoulders and told Sandra "Boy Scouts are nice."

* Other little known fact: Sandra Bullock deflowered Ryan Gosling at the Mickey Mouse Club reunion after-party while a Key Grip watched and got a hand job from an assless chaps wearing Christina Aguilera. Ok, I made up the assless chaps part. We all know Christina Aguilera's ass is too big for that shit. The Key Grip was wearing them. We all know what those Key Grips are like.

* I do like the satin jacket Ryan Gosling wears in the movie Drive, though. Especially when he is holding a hammer splattered in blood. Hammer Time!

* Ok, its official, Jewish mobsters are just as scary as Italian ones. #drive #albertbrooksnotonqualudesinthismovie #hopeyou'reoldenoughtogetmyalbertbrooksjoke

* The bloodier Ryan Gosling's satin jacket gets in Drive, the more I like the Director. He never said "Maybe you should take that jacket off now, son, its really bloody."

* Ryan Gosling's satin jacket does have a cool Scorpion on the back of it, in Drive, so, even though its bloody, I understand why he won't toss it.

* Lots of stabbing going on in Drive, and not the good kind.

* With Ryan, it's simple: I can't like a guy with an ass that's not bigger than mine.

* Ryan's tall, but has little ears. Like a mouse. If that's the only "little" we're dealing with here, I'm like totally cool with Ryan again.

* I heard Ryan Gosling goes down on a girl in the film Blue Valentine. I think I should watch that scene right now. On Youtube. Save a dollar. "Hot But Might Be Gay Guy" is looking at me funny. My face feels very warm right now, as does my chest. That's as much as I can admit to right now. Is my laptop volume at ten, too loud? Maybe I should plug my headphones back into my laptop while watching this scene at the coffeehouse.

Saturday, February 18, 2012

Matt Dillon Vs. Matt Damon Rant

* Questioning the sincerity of the friendship I think I have with the Baristas at my coffee shop. Might all be B.S. so I give them $1 in jar?

* I foolishly thought I wooed them with title of an obscure New Order song and compliment for the one guy's pink pleather belt. Rocks BTW.

* Veggie Quiche not up to its normal high standards today, but did I complain to "Pink Pleather Belt Guy?" No. That's just the kind of friend I am.

* Maybe I should stop calling them "Pink Pleather Belt Guy," "Very Hot But Might Be Gay Guy," and "Definitely Owns a Vibrator Girl?"

* Does this calculating and uber secretive "Band of Baristas" just give my children free pastries after school to torture me? For revenge perhaps?

* Do I deflate the joy of listening to what they consider a "cutting edge" song by announcing the name of said song aloud? Did I ruin those songs for these coffee (jerks???)

* Sorry, you don't "Own" Velvet Underground "Pink Pleather Belt Guy" and "Definitely owns a Vibrator Girl," um, that would be Lou Reed.

* "Band of Baristas" just because you know my order every day doesn't mean you're gonna get a record contract or a call back. You're stuck here. With me.

* Yes, "Very Hot But Might Be Gay Guy," I like it when you have to go into the refrigerator to get me my "special" milk. You need to work for it.

* "Very Hot But Might Be Gay Guy," please tell me you washed those polyester pants you bought from the thrift store before you put them on this morning.

* "Band of Baristas," sorry if I don't take my giant head phones off when you ask to take my plate away. I need to practice lip reading.

* Yes, that's me, locking myself in the restroom for ten minutes every hour to dance to my IPOD. I'm like a bottle of soda pop! Oops, I meant Espresso!

* "Band of Baristas, " or, specifically, "Very Hot But Might Be Gay Guy," you can join me for my caffeine dance off, just knock three times, ok? Oops, I meant 8, OCD!

* "Band of Baristas," I know I keep putting my garbage in the blue can. Sorry, born in '72.

* "Band of Baristas," you are only allowed to wear combat boots if you are dancing to Ministry's "Over The Shoulder" or on Halloween dressed as Sid Vicious. Or Gary Oldman as Sid Vicious. Love that guy - Gary Oldman that is. Sense of humor about "Dracula" that one.

* "Band of Baristas," thanks again for letting me hang out here all day and write about you. I never spend more than $10 (including your tips.) After electricity and babysitting costs, I think I come out ahead.

* "Definitely Owns a Vibrator Girl" please stop wearing Holly Hobby dresses over acid wash jeans. Ginsburg glasses don't fix everything like you think they do.

* "Band of Baristas" I'm TOTALLY not writing about you right now. And, yes, the word TOTALLY TOTALLY dates me. Stop fucking reminding me.

* And "Probably Owns a Vibrator Girl," don't think I didn't hear you call me "That Bitch Really Needs to Own a Vibrator Lady - I mean Girl" No $1 tip for you, Hipster Holly Hobby.

* See, I tried to make an effort with you. I called you "Probably Owns a Vibrator Girl" instead of "Definitely Owns a Vibrator Girl." That's it, we're not friends anymore. I just stopped looking for that lost cat of yours.

* "Very Hot But Might Be Gay Guy," your silkscreen "Ghost" film logo t-shirt is making me hot right now. Even though I never saw the movie "Ghost" or "ET" for that matter. Heard Whoopi Goldberg was good in both, though.

* That lady out front honking and waving from her Mercedes SUV is NOT a friend of mine. I'm just a struggling artist being cool with you guys, my friends, also angry with "the man."

* My coffee house much better than the one in Cameron Crowe's "Singles" movie which I was cunningly marketed into thinking was about "my generation." Don't have to endure seeing Matt Dillon in long hair and flannel.

* I would like Matt Damon more if he didn't try to be such a fucking humanitarian. Get over yourself already. Please stop helping the world. Some people were just made to go to bed hungry. I certainly was.

* See how easy it is for me to swap Matt Dillon for Matt Damon? No longer in the collective unconscious, Dillon? I'd talk to my agent if I were you.

* I hate Matt Damon so much, like can you quote anymore obscure Civil Rights Leaders? Annoying. Hate you and your real, thick head of gorgeous hair.

* There's no doubt in my mind Matt Damon would take a bullet for Obama.

* Matt Damon will be brokering the Israeli/Palestinian Peace Accord. Just you wait, my friends.

* Matt Damon did not give pal Ben Affleck an "It's J-Lo or me" ultimatum. When J-Lo failed to spell the word "justice" correctly, he dumped her(he sodomized her one last time before he dumped her, though.) Sorry, "Sodomize" is one of my favorite verbs!

* Matt Damon attended talks at the Vatican to select the last Pope even though he's Episcopalian.

* Matt Damon really hates it when Clooney and Pitt don't show up to his fundraisers. "It was for the kids," he yells at their drunk asses, later.

* I know Matt Damon could take my punch to the guts, unlike Matt Dillon. I punch really, really hard you bastards.

* Do you think when Matt Damon saw "The Outsiders" as a kid he thought "I'm totally going to screw that Matt (Dillon) out of a job one day. Yeah."

* Do you think Ben Affleck sold a pair of Matt Damon's boxers to Matt Dillon for gambling money?

* How many times do you think Cameron Diaz called Matt Dillon Matt Damon while he was fucking her?

* Matt Damon as "Jason Bourne" versus Ben Affleck as "Daredevil." Discuss.

* Ok, I do give credit to Matt Dillon for banging Diane Lane. That's "Cherry" to you Y and Z-ers. She's gorgeous and a fellow Aqua girl.

* I also give Matt Dillon credit for not ratting Tom Cruise out for hitting on him during the filming of "The Outsiders."

* Favorite Matt Dillon performance: "Drugstore Cowboy." See, I don't hate you as an actor, just your "Done Hard Time" New York accent.

* "You, Me and Dupree?" How dare you make that film. I couldn't laugh for a WEEK after. Did you ship all those extra DVDs to Guantanamo?

* Such a pussy, you are, Matt Dillon. Nothing a stint on "Dancing With The Stars" won't fix. BTW, if it was for charity, Matt Damon would TOTALLY do it, too.

* Why, don't you just ask your kid brother for a job, Matt Dillon? He's got more Golden Globes than you. Maybe a cameo as a valet in the new Entourage film? You know that Vinnie Chase owns a lot of cars.

Friday, February 17, 2012

Dear Kate Winslet, or Stop Kate Winslet's American Accent Now! Rant

Dear Kate Winslet, or Stop Kate Winslet's American Accent Now!

Dear Kate Winslet: Your American accent is like hearing nails scratch across a chalkboard. Why so angry, nasal and pompous? #stoptryingsohard

Dear Kate Winslet: Do you hate American women or are you jealous of them? You only choose miserable and awful American female roles. #littlechildrenlaundryroomanalouch

Dear Kate Winslet: Do you have a deviated septum? Is that what's behind your Katherine Hepburn gone transgender American accent? Why don't you try copying Zooey Deschanel's voice instead? #Zooeysoundslikeababybird

Dear Kate Winslet: Does Leonardo DiCaprio mind that you are constantly trying to stick your tongue down his throat at awards ceremonies?

Dear Kate Winslet: #siblingsdontfrenchkiss

Dear Kate Winslet: Stop making American women look so cold, sexually repressed and vapid with facial ticks. You've got us Yanks sooo wrong! And stop watching Woody Allen films!

Dear Kate Winslet: Your character should have never made it off the boat in Titanic alive. I need those three hours back.

Dear Kate Winslet: I like you best face down, mouth closed getting banged by Guy Pearce from behind in Mildred Pierce. #stopkatewinsletsamericanaccentnow

Dear Kate Winslet: I only watched ninety minutes of Titanic, not three hours. I lied. #scaredofdrowning

Dear Kate Winslet: And I'm actually jealous of the whole Guy Pearce thing. Not same since LA Confidential or Hedwig, oops I meant Priscilla.

Dear Kate Winslet: Did you really think Revolutionary Road would make a great date movie? Little Children?

Dear Kate Winslet: No chemistry with Jack Black in The Holiday. None. And he's like...fat and jolly. Like Santa. No chemistry with Santa.

Dear Kate Winslet: Great job on Flushed Away. Seriously. My favorite performance.

Dear Kate Winslet: I actually liked Russell Crowe better than Guy Pearce in LA Confidential. With a crew cut Russell looks like a Bull Dog. I like the Bull Dog look. And guys named Bud. I drink a lot of Bud Light(with a lime.)

Dear Kate Winslet: Hope you enjoyed fleecing our American mortgage system for cheap prime NYC Real Estate.

Dear Kate Winslet: Are you really honored just to be nominated in the same category as Meryl Streep, or do you really want to eat her face off like a Preying Mantis?

Dear Kate Winslet: Are you secretly a Preying Mantis under those curves or a Battlestar Gallactica type Cylon sent to infiltrate and take over Holllywood and make all of us your slaves?

Dear Kate Winslet: If you had to choose between Meryl Streep and Leonardo DiCaprio to go on the lifeboat with you, who would you leave to die?

Dear Kate Winslet: Did you in fact set up an MI-5 style surveillance system at Leonardo DiCaprio's Malibu bachelor pad?

Dear Kate Winslet: Speaking of BBC's Spooks/MI-5, can you get me a date with Rupert Penry-Jones or Peter Firth? All of you Brits know one another, correct? England is really only the size of Staaten Island, correct?

Dear Kate Winslet: I'm just jealous you were in a Charlie Kaufman film. And you've won like fifty awards. And Leo's “like” your brother.

Dear Kate Winslet: Does a sister nearly asphyxiate their “like my brother” with their ample bosom?

Dear Kate Winslet: Do you sleep in a meat locker at home or is your cold blood genetic?

Dear Kate Winslet: How much of a stretch was the Nazi thing?

Dear Kate Winslet: When's the next film with “like your brother” Leonardo DiCaprio coming out? Does he return your calls? Texts? Been there.

Dear Kate Winslet: Is there a time limit on the length of your smile before you implode?

Dear Kate Winslet: Are you in fact one of the X-men? A mutant? Do you live in a country castle with a wheelchair bound James McAvoy Professor X? Is your "special power" not perfecting an American accent? Do you hate Meryl Streep because she is always so good at perfecting accents? Does Magneto aka Michael Fassbender live in the castle with you? Does he wear pants? Can you ask him not to, and please invite me over?

Dear Kate Winslet: Do you channel Woody Allen's Husbands and Wives when you do American female neurotic? And the accent? The abject unhappiness?

Dear Kate Winslet: Are you still bitter about an American actress landing Bridget Jones Diary? Do you owe Colin Firth money?

Dear Kate Winslet: Are you ever happy? Warm? Do you always wear Burberry and/or have a lip snarl?

Dear Kate Winslet: Did you in fact murder Emma Thompson? Is she buried in your back yard? I haven't seen her in any movies where she is not in disguise in many years. Did you enjoy kicking her off her high horse?

Dear Kate Winslet: If I show up at your house at three pm are you obligated by law to serve me tea and shortbread?

Dear Kate Winslet: Have you ever shared a cup of Earl Grey tea aboard The Enterprise with Captain Jean-Luc Picard? I mean, with Patrick Stewart? Or is he really Professor X?

Dear Kate Winslet: Stop hiding your Cockney accent in the Queen's English! Michael Caine ratted you out.

Dear Kate Winslet: Will you please star in my film so you can portray an unhappy, cold, sexually repressed woman...with an American accent? I want an Oscar, or at the very least an Independent Spirit Award. I heard you can wear flip flops to that one.

Thursday, February 16, 2012

Adele RANT


*Boy George confirms Adele his bastard Love Child “I swing both ways,” George remarks “And what other person in the UK belts it out as good as I do?”

*Adele “A comfort,” Boy George states, “Especially after that musical disaster with Rosie. I'll never trust a woman that hairy with my career ever again.”

*“Um, Boy George must be off his meds because he is NOT my father,” Adele responds from atop her velvet throne inside her new trophy room, “I'd love to cover Karma Chameleon, though.”

*US Magazine insiders say Adele's got Jennifer Hudson "regretting the whole Weight Watchers thing."

*Adele's ex she sings about hid in her closet the night of the Grammy's and begged her to take him back. She rammed her Grammy(s) up his ass. I don't know what happened after that.

*Adele uses her Grammys for bicep curls during a Jillian Michael's DVD the morning after the Grammys, “Taking over the world, bitches!” she screams at the TV.

*Adele puts banana in tailpipe of Lady Gaga's limo following Grammys

*During Rolling Stone press conference, Adele admits “I never lied about my weight on my driver's license” looking right at Christina Aguilera.

*“In my spare time, I nurse orphans and euthanize(smother) puppies with my large breasts,” claims Adele, “My hero, Aretha Franklin, taught me.”

*“Greatest titty fuck of all time” - All of Adele's ex-boyfriends

Jay McInerney and Me

I accept my delusion. I am not actually smarter than my Ivy League classmates in this summer's "Writers in New York" Creative Writing Program at NYU.

I have just lived longer. I am also slightly older than my two teachers, but, let's just keep that one on the "down low." I have traveled many miles and spent thousands of dollars to thwart an impending midlife crisis by returning to academia and resurrecting my childhood dream - to be a writer - that is.

So I tell Jay McInerney, one of my "contemporaries," at the taping of the radio show "Selected Shorts," up, up on the Upper West side, that I had to explain his novel "Bright Lights, Big City" to my much younger classmates earlier in the day. To this news, he frowns. Pretty blue eyes accustomed to being the size of saucers, twitch, and he furrows his brow. No Botox, I assess.

Glistening under the stage lights I notice gelled, curly, salty dark brown hair(thick) and "occasional" reading glasses. He wears dark denim jeans,a bit baggy, and Italian, herringbone sport coat and shiny black cowboy boots. A custom, ornate, "Investment" leather belt completes the ensemble, with a saggy, heavy, masculine silver clasp, I imagine he has owned for many years.

"They didn't even know who you were," I begin, "couldn't pronounce your name correctly." I finish.

"What's the point of guest starring on TV's "Gossip Girl?" Jay mumbles to himself.

"This new development deal - for the new movie version of "Bright Lights, Big City" - yeah - that - sounds great" I impressively, quickly think to say and push, violently, out of my extra sticky pink lip gloss stained lips, hoping to comfort him.

"Jay," I begin again "I personally wan't offended by your wedding announcement in the New York Times Style section, years ago. I love to see announcements of third and fourth marriages; especially writers who marry publishing heiresses, especially with photos."

"I like you Jay, REALLY," I plead, "as a fictional character, you know, like in Brett Easton Ellis's "Lunar Park?"

I don't like where this is going, Jay signals by the high count of wrinkles on his tanned forehead. St. Barts, I'm assuming. No, its summer. That's a no-no season for St. Barts.
Bermuda possibly.

"Lunar Park is one of my favorite books!" I gush.

"You and Bret Easton Ellis, you're not like COMPETITIVE, are you?" I'm just going to throw it out there.

"I spent twenty-five hard earned dollars on you novel "X" fifteen years ago. Back in the day when I used electrical tape to extend the life of my combat boots. Barnes and Noble didn't even give discounts back then. How much you think that piece of shit would be worth today. Thirty dollars maybe? I could really use that money right now, Jay. I have been sleeping on a love seat in the East Village, Jay. Look at me, Jay, I'm five foot nine, five foot nine!"

"There's a one eared black cat living in the apartment with me, Jay. And he drinks from my glass when I'm not looking."

"Can I sleep on your couch while I'm at NYU? I bet Bret Easton Ellis would let me sleep on his couch." I ask.

"I'm thirty-nine and never been published. Can you believe it? It's bullshit. Like when they tell you your vagina will return back to normal after childbirth, that kind of bullshit. Like your novel "X" bullshit."

"I keep your bullshit novel "X" on my bookshelf at home, front and center, so I can see it and clearly be reminded NOT to write bullshit. It has been very helpful to me, you know, Jay, as a writer? Thank you again for that bullshit novel "X."

"The hug," I ask, "with the actor, who read your piece onstage, "that was awkward for you, right, Jay?"

"I like how you patted him on the back. Like at the Racquet Club?" I continue.

Jay McInerney is not the type of man to hug other men.

"I bet Bret Easton Ellis has no issue hugging other men," I add, "In fact, he may even sleep with some." I continue.

"I went out to dinner with your old fact checker at The New Yorker last night, oh the stories, Jay, the stories!"

"You really wrote that piece for the Paris Review in one night? The first piece you ever published, one single night? Come on, Jay, really?"

Jay looks puzzled and caught off guard.

"In front of a jury of your peers, like me? In front of Bret Easton Ellis? And George Plimpton's ghost?"

"I bet Bret Easton Ellis could write a whole novel in a single night," I say, " Have you ever read that novel, Jay? Lunar Park? I know you're in it, but still, do you read?"

"Bret Easton Ellis, Jay, Bret Easton Ellis. Goddamn second coming that one. A goddamn genius he is!"

I look into Jay's soft cover book of short stories, that I have reluctantly purchased, and he so generously autographs.

Inside it reads: "Cat, you will get published one day. Persevere! Jay McInerney"

"Thank you." I say and smile, starting to walk back to my seat in the theater. Jay makes sure to say goodbye to me first shouting "Cat!" before I turn my head to look at him across the crowd, standing behind the sales table staring at me. I turn my entire body, fully round, around, raising my hand to excitedly wave goodbye to this writer - published, famous, an important pop culture page to my generation - a double vodka tonic dangling in my hand, which silently spills all over by bare chest, seeping down my black, age appropriate, dress.

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Zooey Vs. Jen Aniston Rant

Zooey vs. Jen Aniston

* You think you love Zooey Deschanel and her delicious smile? Just you wait. You will hate her one day. Just like Jeremy Lin. Til then, go ahead and love them.

* Ok, in a once hot sitcom babe showdown, in a mud pit, who comes out alive: Jennifer Aniston(scary Greek bitch) or Zooey Deschanel(Angel)?

* Ok, if you have to ask for a refund from your drug dealer, who would you want to accompany you? Jennifer Aniston(scary Greek bitch) or Zooey Deschanel (Angel)?

* Zooey Deschanel taught us the painful subtlities of falling in love in 500 Days of Summer. Jennifer Aniston taught us about the Atkins diet.

* Would you rather be a Vegan (Zoey Deschanel) or smoke Brad Pitt's kind bud and/or pole(Jennifer Aniston)?

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Robert DeNiro, Bruce Willis, Val Kilmer and Valentine's Day RANTS

DeNiro, Willis and Kilmer

*I'd like Robert DeNiro and Bruce Willis to apologize for the sadness I feel when I see their straight to DVD film in line at the grocery.

*Bruce Willis should invest in those grocery DVD rental machines as he provides the most inventory. He could go halvsies with DeNiro.

*Maybe Bruce Willis can team up with Cybill Shepherd for “Moonlighting 2: The Golden Years? I bet TV Land would pick it up.

*Better: How about a show where Bruce Willis plays an INVISIBLE guy? Like in that movie? He could steal people's socks and watch them freak out!

*DeNiro could have a game show for Mimes called “THE FACE.” You'd have to guess what someone was saying, based solely on their facial expression.

*I'm going to start referring to DeNiro as “FACE(insert Val Kilmer Top Gun teeth chomp) MAN.”

*Based solely on the # of facial gestures available, Robert DeNiro has the greatest chances of replacing Jerry Lewis as France's most beloved comedian.

*Forget Eddie Murphy, DeNiro could have hit Dr. Doolittle OUT OF THE PARK! And he wouldn't have needed a fat suit to get laughs.

*Q: What's scarier? Robert DeNiro peeling an egg with his nail as Satan in Angel Heart? OR Rick Santorum as our next President?

*Q: Who would you rather have whack you? Robert DeNiro or Joe Pesci? Think about it now. They're both on the way to your house.

*Ok, the first person able to tell me the exact number of cigarettes Robert DeNiro smokes in Casino wins an RT!

*Q for Mr. DeNiro: Is “Noodles” your favorite on screen nick name? Do you only take roles where you have a nick name?

*Robert DeNiro: Juliette Lewis sucking your finger on screen...well, I still have nightmares. Rather you torture me with the “Fockers” Trilogy.

*Ok, just remembered “FACE” was a character on the ATEAM. But I prefer the Val Kilmer/Top Gun analogy. Val was better looking (at the time.) I hope its true he beat Tom Cruise up during filming.

*I do know for a fact that Val Kilmer keeps a pair of Jim Morrison/Doors leather pants on a wall for motivation when he Zumbas at home.

Valentine's Day

* I wish I was single and dating someone just so I could break up with them on this day.

* Starting at thirteen, every Valentine's Day, I would wear all black, drink SoCo out of a paper bag, pass out in a gutter and mourn love. You know how dramatic I get sometimes. Now that I'm older, I've totally eliminated the gutter part. That was stupid.

* I told my daughter writers and poets like Shakespeare paid homage to Valentine's Day. She asked, her face lighting up in only the way a happy six year old's can "So, Shakespeare's like you, Momma?" "Not...Exactly" I answered, though I was flattered, of course...

Goosebump Goddess

"Tell me, the dream , again..." "Well, it's night, and New York is particularly quiet. It's not necessarily late at...