A Pool Hustler's Daughter grows up in subterranean America. She dreams big, hustles daily and loves her Daddy. With empathy, fascination and grace she navigates and inhabits every tier of society; sees beauty and hope and magic in all things; respects and lives by the "mitzvah."
A Pool Hustler's Daughter calculates the trifecta payout at the racetrack, hides money on three parts of her body, has an arsenal of "Uncles," and keeps a baseball bat by the front door. She values friendship, loyalty and experiences over "things." Like her father, she seeks to learn "The secrets of the universe" and believes "Life ain't on the square." She applauds the self-made and those who learn to "overcome" their circumstances. Her door is always open for a sofa to sleep on, a hot meal, or an eager listener for a life story.

Saturday, February 18, 2012

Matt Dillon Vs. Matt Damon Rant

* Questioning the sincerity of the friendship I think I have with the Baristas at my coffee shop. Might all be B.S. so I give them $1 in jar?

* I foolishly thought I wooed them with title of an obscure New Order song and compliment for the one guy's pink pleather belt. Rocks BTW.

* Veggie Quiche not up to its normal high standards today, but did I complain to "Pink Pleather Belt Guy?" No. That's just the kind of friend I am.

* Maybe I should stop calling them "Pink Pleather Belt Guy," "Very Hot But Might Be Gay Guy," and "Definitely Owns a Vibrator Girl?"

* Does this calculating and uber secretive "Band of Baristas" just give my children free pastries after school to torture me? For revenge perhaps?

* Do I deflate the joy of listening to what they consider a "cutting edge" song by announcing the name of said song aloud? Did I ruin those songs for these coffee (jerks???)

* Sorry, you don't "Own" Velvet Underground "Pink Pleather Belt Guy" and "Definitely owns a Vibrator Girl," um, that would be Lou Reed.

* "Band of Baristas" just because you know my order every day doesn't mean you're gonna get a record contract or a call back. You're stuck here. With me.

* Yes, "Very Hot But Might Be Gay Guy," I like it when you have to go into the refrigerator to get me my "special" milk. You need to work for it.

* "Very Hot But Might Be Gay Guy," please tell me you washed those polyester pants you bought from the thrift store before you put them on this morning.

* "Band of Baristas," sorry if I don't take my giant head phones off when you ask to take my plate away. I need to practice lip reading.

* Yes, that's me, locking myself in the restroom for ten minutes every hour to dance to my IPOD. I'm like a bottle of soda pop! Oops, I meant Espresso!

* "Band of Baristas, " or, specifically, "Very Hot But Might Be Gay Guy," you can join me for my caffeine dance off, just knock three times, ok? Oops, I meant 8, OCD!

* "Band of Baristas," I know I keep putting my garbage in the blue can. Sorry, born in '72.

* "Band of Baristas," you are only allowed to wear combat boots if you are dancing to Ministry's "Over The Shoulder" or on Halloween dressed as Sid Vicious. Or Gary Oldman as Sid Vicious. Love that guy - Gary Oldman that is. Sense of humor about "Dracula" that one.

* "Band of Baristas," thanks again for letting me hang out here all day and write about you. I never spend more than $10 (including your tips.) After electricity and babysitting costs, I think I come out ahead.

* "Definitely Owns a Vibrator Girl" please stop wearing Holly Hobby dresses over acid wash jeans. Ginsburg glasses don't fix everything like you think they do.

* "Band of Baristas" I'm TOTALLY not writing about you right now. And, yes, the word TOTALLY TOTALLY dates me. Stop fucking reminding me.

* And "Probably Owns a Vibrator Girl," don't think I didn't hear you call me "That Bitch Really Needs to Own a Vibrator Lady - I mean Girl" No $1 tip for you, Hipster Holly Hobby.

* See, I tried to make an effort with you. I called you "Probably Owns a Vibrator Girl" instead of "Definitely Owns a Vibrator Girl." That's it, we're not friends anymore. I just stopped looking for that lost cat of yours.

* "Very Hot But Might Be Gay Guy," your silkscreen "Ghost" film logo t-shirt is making me hot right now. Even though I never saw the movie "Ghost" or "ET" for that matter. Heard Whoopi Goldberg was good in both, though.

* That lady out front honking and waving from her Mercedes SUV is NOT a friend of mine. I'm just a struggling artist being cool with you guys, my friends, also angry with "the man."

* My coffee house much better than the one in Cameron Crowe's "Singles" movie which I was cunningly marketed into thinking was about "my generation." Don't have to endure seeing Matt Dillon in long hair and flannel.

* I would like Matt Damon more if he didn't try to be such a fucking humanitarian. Get over yourself already. Please stop helping the world. Some people were just made to go to bed hungry. I certainly was.

* See how easy it is for me to swap Matt Dillon for Matt Damon? No longer in the collective unconscious, Dillon? I'd talk to my agent if I were you.

* I hate Matt Damon so much, like can you quote anymore obscure Civil Rights Leaders? Annoying. Hate you and your real, thick head of gorgeous hair.

* There's no doubt in my mind Matt Damon would take a bullet for Obama.

* Matt Damon will be brokering the Israeli/Palestinian Peace Accord. Just you wait, my friends.

* Matt Damon did not give pal Ben Affleck an "It's J-Lo or me" ultimatum. When J-Lo failed to spell the word "justice" correctly, he dumped her(he sodomized her one last time before he dumped her, though.) Sorry, "Sodomize" is one of my favorite verbs!

* Matt Damon attended talks at the Vatican to select the last Pope even though he's Episcopalian.

* Matt Damon really hates it when Clooney and Pitt don't show up to his fundraisers. "It was for the kids," he yells at their drunk asses, later.

* I know Matt Damon could take my punch to the guts, unlike Matt Dillon. I punch really, really hard you bastards.

* Do you think when Matt Damon saw "The Outsiders" as a kid he thought "I'm totally going to screw that Matt (Dillon) out of a job one day. Yeah."

* Do you think Ben Affleck sold a pair of Matt Damon's boxers to Matt Dillon for gambling money?

* How many times do you think Cameron Diaz called Matt Dillon Matt Damon while he was fucking her?

* Matt Damon as "Jason Bourne" versus Ben Affleck as "Daredevil." Discuss.

* Ok, I do give credit to Matt Dillon for banging Diane Lane. That's "Cherry" to you Y and Z-ers. She's gorgeous and a fellow Aqua girl.

* I also give Matt Dillon credit for not ratting Tom Cruise out for hitting on him during the filming of "The Outsiders."

* Favorite Matt Dillon performance: "Drugstore Cowboy." See, I don't hate you as an actor, just your "Done Hard Time" New York accent.

* "You, Me and Dupree?" How dare you make that film. I couldn't laugh for a WEEK after. Did you ship all those extra DVDs to Guantanamo?

* Such a pussy, you are, Matt Dillon. Nothing a stint on "Dancing With The Stars" won't fix. BTW, if it was for charity, Matt Damon would TOTALLY do it, too.

* Why, don't you just ask your kid brother for a job, Matt Dillon? He's got more Golden Globes than you. Maybe a cameo as a valet in the new Entourage film? You know that Vinnie Chase owns a lot of cars.

Goosebump Goddess

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