Ryan Gosling + Comedy Sitcom Babe Showdown RANTS

Ryan Gosling

* Wish I could love Ryan Gosling. Great actor but no butterflies.

* I do like Ryan Gosling's psuedo James Caan but whinier Brooklyn accent even though he grew up on the hard streets of Canada/Mickey Mouse Club.

* I hope Ryan Gosling grew up in lush, green Vancouver and was breast fed by a sweet, young, Pre-Scott Baio, Pamela Anderson instead of growing up in Jim Carrey's dark and grey Canadian town where everyone was unemployed, covered in ash, drank too much and was miserable and depressed. I think Zoolander has distant relatives there. FYI it was Scott Baio, NOT Tommy Lee that introduced Pamela Anderson to all of the kink. #Dagos

* Little known fact: Ryan Gosling was actually lovers with tattooed biker Jesse James before
Sandra Bullock started dating him. When Jesse tried to convince Ryan to wear a Hitler Youth uniform one night, Ryan retorted "I don't fuck Nazis, asshole!" When Sandra Bullock brought home a Boy Scouts uniform for Ryan to wear one night, he was totally cool with it. Ryan shrugged his shoulders and told Sandra "Boy Scouts are nice."

* Other little known fact: Sandra Bullock deflowered Ryan Gosling at the Mickey Mouse Club reunion after-party while a Key Grip watched and got a hand job from an assless chaps wearing Christina Aguilera. Ok, I made up the assless chaps part. We all know Christina Aguilera's ass is too big for that shit. The Key Grip was wearing them. We all know what those Key Grips are like.

* I do like the satin jacket Ryan Gosling wears in the movie Drive, though. Especially when he is holding a hammer splattered in blood. Hammer Time!

* Ok, its official, Jewish mobsters are just as scary as Italian ones. #drive #albertbrooksnotonqualudesinthismovie #hopeyou'reoldenoughtogetmyalbertbrooksjoke

* The bloodier Ryan Gosling's satin jacket gets in Drive, the more I like the Director. He never said "Maybe you should take that jacket off now, son, its really bloody."

* Ryan Gosling's satin jacket does have a cool Scorpion on the back of it, in Drive, so, even though its bloody, I understand why he won't toss it.

* Lots of stabbing going on in Drive, and not the good kind.

* With Ryan, it's simple: I can't like a guy with an ass that's not bigger than mine.

* Ryan's tall, but has little ears. Like a mouse. If that's the only "little" we're dealing with here, I'm like totally cool with Ryan again.

* I heard Ryan Gosling goes down on a girl in the film Blue Valentine. I think I should watch that scene right now. On Youtube. Save a dollar. "Hot But Might Be Gay Guy" is looking at me funny. My face feels very warm right now, as does my chest. That's as much as I can admit to right now. Is my laptop volume at ten, too loud? Maybe I should plug my headphones back into my laptop while watching this scene at the coffeehouse.

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