1. Stroller Fitness: Why would you pay someone to set up a time for you to meet to push your child in your OWN stroller? That is what immigrant labor is for. Don't you have any friends you could call yourself for free? Are you that unpopular?
2. Jewelry Parties: Please stop sending me invitations to Jewelry parties. Immediately. This is not for me. I prefer to wear only precious stones purchased from an old guy named Ira with hairy knuckles who inquires about my parents and offers me a hard candy after my purchase.
3. Costco: Just a note - please don't tell me that dip you're serving is from Costco. I don't want to know. It ruins my enjoyment of it immensely. I do not commend you for being frugal.
4. Book Clubs: Okay, I would go to a book club if: A. The members actually read the book B. The members chose a good book and C. The members would not discuss their twenty year old cat's dementia. Just put that cat down. Now.
5. Pilates: For $110 of my hard earned money and an hour of my time, I expect a massage and/or a happy ending.
6. Giving up your Hockey tickets: Listen ladies - if your man has the hook up to a Sky box for a hockey game and you turn it down - you are a fool. Ever hear of the term, "Sausage Fest?" How could you possibly give up the chance to see young, ripped, men beat the shit out of one another on the ice SURROUNDED by other men(9 males to every one female usually), doing Jaeger bombs and giving YOU all of the attention? Not to mention the all you can eat London Broil?
7. Oprah: Please put her to sleep, too.
8. Ready Made Meals: Again, why would you pay someone else to watch you make your own dinner that you are going to have to reheat at home any way? Do you really have this much extra time and money? For the same price you can order in and no one would be the wiser.
9. Cleanses: One Hundred Dollars on a cleanse? Really? My grandma Katie had it right - an old fashioned enema will do the trick every time. And it's only $9.99 at your local drugstore.
10. Bono - Please cash out your royalties and move to Africa....permanently. You are a bloated, overrated Leprechaun and I can't bear to see your ugly glasses anymore. Can you not afford Lasik? If another forty year old woman tells me U2 is a "religious experience" I am going to push her down the stairs. You lost me after "War," buddy.
A Pool Hustler's Daughter grows up in subterranean America. She dreams big, hustles daily and loves her Daddy. With empathy, fascination and grace she navigates and inhabits every tier of society; sees beauty and hope and magic in all things; respects and lives by the "mitzvah."
A Pool Hustler's Daughter calculates the trifecta payout at the racetrack, hides money on three parts of her body, has an arsenal of "Uncles," and keeps a baseball bat by the front door. She values friendship, loyalty and experiences over "things." Like her father, she seeks to learn "The secrets of the universe" and believes "Life ain't on the square." She applauds the self-made and those who learn to "overcome" their circumstances. Her door is always open for a sofa to sleep on, a hot meal, or an eager listener for a life story.
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
"Tell me, the dream , again..." "Well, it's night, and New York is particularly quiet. It's not necessarily late at...