Mitt Romney, Closet Rap Star
* Dear Mitt, how soon after the election can I get my sister wives? I am looking forward to the extra time to attend more Hot Yoga classes.
*Breaking news: Mitt cops to Sugar Hill Gang's “Rapper's Delight” on vinyl.
*Romney Vintage Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous video reveals what looks like a Coogi sweater in closet made of gold by heretic slaves
*Breaking news: Romney admits to bootleg “Friday”Ice Cube DVD triology. Knows Ice Cube only as “O'Shea”
*Breaking news: Romeny admits to secret love affair with NWA back up dancer Sheree. Search for bastard Methodist Love Child begins
*Romney's Response “ I vehemently deny ever waxing that ass (Sheree). I only wax cars(I own 50) and records. I admit I love Grandmaster Flash, sue me.”
*Romney “My childhood was stolen from me...and my turntables...from the G*ddam Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints”
*Romney admits to marriage counseling after Naughty By Nature's “OPP” CD found in vintage Sony “Diskman” by wife in 1992.
*Medical reports reveal Romney wrist break from a cardboard box break dance spin back in 1979 while listening to GMF's “The Message.”
*Romney: “I did not do the robot for spare change outside of NYC's Port Authority. I was in fact, spreading the Gospel”
*“I never accompanied Anthony Bourdain to Alphabet City back in the 70's to buy drugs. I was in Kenya doing missionary work at the time” corrects Romney.
*Romney “I did not buy votes by performing armed robberies for that South Boston Shanty Irish mobster while at Harvard Business School..”
*“Let's face it, I'm way better looking than Gingrich, and so are my offspring.”
*“Back at Harvard, if it wasn't the Chronic, I didn't go near it”
*“I admit I offered my mothers/nieces as sister wives to Mike D and Ad-Rock in return for a Check Your Head Producer credit”
*“Correct, I was in fact blackballed from the MTV Raps soundstage. Kurt Loder snuck me in, though. Only cost me $20 and a blow***”
*“I love the state of Florida. Where else can you procure Pythons easily for LDS Church Services?”
*“I was nowhere in Las Vegas when Tupak was shot (East Coast all the way, baby...)
*“No, I did not pay for Lil' Kim's platsic surgery”
*Romney “ No,I did not finance the “House Party” movie franchise. Tried, but I can't get my hair to stick up like Kid N' Play”
*“I did steal Denzel Washington's Kongol hat, though.”
*Romney “Visibly nervous” after Vanity 6 Soul Train performance, “Don Cornelius always got first dibs” Mitt complains.
*Romney “Plans on bringing parachute pants back to the White House”
*Romney “The movie “Car Wash” deeply impacted my political philosophy and record collection”
*Romney “ Newt wants to colonize the moon?,” “Been there, done that via secret LDS spaceship.” “Moonwalk's overrated”
*Mitt Romney present at the birth of Baby Blue Ivy, sources say
*“Indescribable” as visibly moved Godfather Mitt Romney tells reporters “cutting the cord”
*“Nonsense” Mitt Romney argues over allegations of JayZ and Beyonce Hospital tantrums
*“Triple Date” with Jay Z, Beyonce, Gwyneth Paltrow, Chris Martin “Imminent” Romney tells supporters.
*Romney cops to DJ-ing Newt's 2nd – no 3rd wedding reception, Salt and Peppa's “Push It” most requested song of the night.
*Romney in legal battle with Rob Base over the rights to 1988's “Joy and Pain” “Inspired by Scripture” claims Romney.
*Romney still owes Slick Rick money over a craps game gone bad in the alley behind the Apollo Theater back in '85.
*Mitt Romney and Michelle Bachmann duet Positive K's “I Gotta Man” live tonight on Piers Morgan.
*It's okay if you forget who Positive K was. He's good though, trust me.
*Romney announces Secretary of State first choice Mark Wahlburg “This has nothing to do with my connection to the South Boston mob” Romney reiterates “ I just loved when he was Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch. Plus he never masturbates, unlike Hilary Clinton”
*Romney pays Flavor Flav's child support bills, VH1 reports “We're old friends and I got him in this rap game” Romney defends.
*When asked if Mitt Romney was the inspiration behind her song “ Ain't Nobody,” Chaka Khan replies “No comment”
*When asked who would NOT be invited to the White House, Romney did not hesitate “Will Smith!” #hatesscientologists
*Mitt Romney to keep Snoop Dogg's hairdresser on retainer, sources say #mittwisheshehadbraids
Romney admits Vanilla Ice “Epic Failure” but would have given Milli Vanilli “a second chance.”
*Sources say Romney's extensive diamond jewelry collection “Blood Free”
*Mitt Romney will from now on be known only as “Mitney”
A Pool Hustler's Daughter grows up in subterranean America. She dreams big, hustles daily and loves her Daddy. With empathy, fascination and grace she navigates and inhabits every tier of society; sees beauty and hope and magic in all things; respects and lives by the "mitzvah."
A Pool Hustler's Daughter calculates the trifecta payout at the racetrack, hides money on three parts of her body, has an arsenal of "Uncles," and keeps a baseball bat by the front door. She values friendship, loyalty and experiences over "things." Like her father, she seeks to learn "The secrets of the universe" and believes "Life ain't on the square." She applauds the self-made and those who learn to "overcome" their circumstances. Her door is always open for a sofa to sleep on, a hot meal, or an eager listener for a life story.